Three for Sorrow

A little contrition goes a long way, apparently, with the Football Association. It means that you can deliberately and maliciously stamp in the stomach of one of the world’s greatest players, ensuring first that the referee isn’t looking, and when the attention of the authorities is subsequently aroused, all you have to do is apologise profusely, write to the victim and claim that it will never happen again. And as far as the authorities are concerned the pay-off for this obsequious behaviour (sincere or otherwise) is that for conduct of the most violent kind you get off with a lot of official tut tutting and a three match ban.

Not only that but your club manager goes into raptures about the contribution you’ve made to the team, which he describes as “fantastic” (hardly the word anyone connected with Manchester United would have chosen), fobs off your violence as being “a little caught up in the derby atmosphere” and promptly offers you a lucrative new contract. Then, believe it or not, the aforementioned manager, referring to the apology to the victim, adds so ominously it almost sounds like a threat, “I hope it’s received in the right manner.” It is not quite clear from this what the ‘right manner’ might be. A letter of thanks for the sorrow expressed perhaps, some sort of commendation maybe, or the merest hint of a recommendation for inclusion in the New Year’s honours list.

Though no-one would dispute for a moment the right of a manager who in his playing days enjoyed the nickname ‘Psycho’ to deal with the Bartons and the Balls of this world, it has to be said that Arsene Wenger, who has this season been clobbered to the tune of £15,000 for expressing his opinions from the designated technical area, might be forgiven for wondering whether he would have been shown more clemency if he had put on a pair of football boots and waded into a few of the officials whose incompetence has cost his team not only points but trophies. Provided of course he apologised profusely afterwards.