Soccer

Welcome to the 2005-2006 football season. The first non-season in the history of the English Premier League. The season that’s over before it’s begun - apparently. Because according to that well-known football guru Peter Kenyon, this season’s premier league champions will come “from a small group of one” – or, as some sources have it, “a small bunch of one”.

So that’s it then. A mere formality. Arsene Wenger and Alex Ferguson must be close to despair. All over the country, hundreds of thousands of fans will have ditched their traditional early season optimism, transferred it to England’s brave bid to regain the Ashes or, God forbid, mothballed it in readiness for Tim Henman’s next assault on Wimbledon.

Already, the guru must be preening himself, because the omens are there. A 1-0 triumph over premiership newcomers Wigan, thanks to a last minute blush-saving goal by Hernan Crespo. A crushing 1-0 victory over poor London neighbours Arsenal, stylishly shinned by the elegant Didier Drogba. A 2-0 annihilation of Spurs, courtesy of an early flash of red from that most circumspect and discriminating referee Rob Styles. And throughout these early successes, consistently stunning football of a quality that has comfortably eclipsed anything that preceded it.

Believe that and you’ll believe anything – even Peter Kenyon. The fact is that the guru’s knowledge of the game is no better than his knowledge of language – there’s no such thing a ‘group’, or ‘bunch’, of one. And the unpalatable truth is that in spite of Chelsea’s undoubted defensive strengths, they allowed each of their opponents enough chances to have won and for all the money they’ve spent, they continue to disappoint as an attacking force – with football that is pragmatic but unrefined and a goalscoring record that is far from impressive.

But they do have 9 points from 3 games, some very talented players, a few bob ready for the next transfer window (in case they have to strengthen), and a supremely confident and capable manager who has often been referred to as ‘a breath of fresh air’. All he needs to worry about is the breath of hot air from the guru behind him.